What drives behaviour issues in children?

All children exhibit unhelpful behaviours at some time.  Reasons for ‘behaviours’ may be tiredness, frustration, temperament, fear/trauma or even learned patterns that become, essentially, ‘habitual’ responses.

There can also be underlying pathological reasons that effect ‘unhelpful’ behaviours, which may require medical intervention and support. Whilst it’s important to mention, this post explores the effect on behaviour, resulting from a child not feeling ‘safe’.

To be clear, a child feeling “safe” in this context, is not related to physical safety, but to the child’s internal experience of the world at that moment. Feeling “safe” could be explained as a neurological state in the child’s brain. When a child feels safe, they are better able to think clearly, manage their emotions and make choices that benefit themselves and others around them.

When a child does not feel “safe”, essentially the parts of the brain responsible for survival overrule the parts responsible for self-control, resulting in the ‘unhelpful’ behaviours.

There’s a significant body of psychology and neuroscience that links many challenging behaviours occurring with a child when he/she does not feel sufficiently “safe”.

Why feeling unsafe leads to ‘unhelpful’ behaviour

A simple overview of ‘unhelpful behaviours, to aid understanding. 

If a child feels ‘unsafe’ they might become defiant, strive to take control or shut down. 

The important thing in all this is to recognise that the child exhibiting ‘unhelpful’ behaviours is doing so ‘automatically’. Their predictive brain detects ‘danger’. Stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol, effect behaviour such as shouting/hitting, running away, bursting into tears or becoming quiet/withdrawn. What’s happening is that the child’s nervous system is trying its best to protect them.

Therefore, it could be argued that children are not consciously choosing the behaviours they exhibit. However, it is important to recognise a child’s capability for ‘learning’ to exhibit behaviours that elicit benefitting their ‘want’. Children are ‘clever’ beings by default, in just the same way as adults…!

Bringing about change in a child’s behaviour

Discipline alone is not the path to follow to effect changes in behaviour.  Establishing regular routines, alongside boundaries, help children learn emotional regulation, not so much by feeling consciously ‘safe’, but rather by not feeling ‘unsafe’. Children, essentially, need routine and boundaries that are reinforced, to keep them ‘safe’.

Helping a child feel safe does not involve tolerating unacceptable behaviour. Children need to understand boundaries and also consequences, reinforced by a calm adult whose objective is to help the child through any distress they exhibit, whilst simultaneously ‘holding the line’.

The long-term impact of nurturing a child to feel ‘safe’

When there are well thought through routines and non-negotiable boundaries in place, children are supported to feel emotionally safe. As a consequence, their brains gradually develop new neural pathways that help them become better at regulating heightened emotions.

There are also added benefits from working steadily towards creating an environment of emotional safety for a child. Gradually, the child will develop resilience against disappointment when things don’t happen the way they want them too, along with improved emotional regulation, attention and focus on tasks and ever-increasing confidence to manage life’s ongoing challenges.

Following the guidelines for nurturing a child’s inner safety is less about getting children to be obedient and more about helping them develop a nervous system that will be of benefit to them throughout their adult life. Whether as a child or an adult, if they feel ‘safe’, they will feel secure about how to approach and deal with life’s challenges, through deployment of effective and helpful problem-solving behaviours.

When children feel genuinely safe, they are far more likely to show the behaviour that parents hope for. This isn’t about controlling them, it’s about nurturing their brain and their nervous system to develop, to make self-control not only possible, but habitual.

The  behaviour change challenge for parent(s)

Essentially, the adult making excuses for the child’s behaviour, to themselves or others, is not recognising/accepting that walking the path towards ‘change’ in the child’s behaviour, starts with them, rather than the child. 

It is not at all easy for parents to take on board that solutions to changing ‘unhelpful’ child behaviours lie with them, the adults, usually requiring them to tweak/change parenting ‘habits’ to support their child/children to feel safe.  In my experience, many parents get defensive when they feel their parenting methods are being criticised; something which is a reflection of them not feeling “safe” themselves. 

For a child to feel ‘safe’, they need consistent routines, clear boundaries and parents who work together to hold the line.

The child who feels ‘safe’ experiences emotional security. 

It is a truism that parents accepting the need to engage with therapeutic support for themselves, prior to therapeutic work being undertaken with their children, is a challenge for most. However, for those parents who get on board with what is needed and work together, supporting one another, the desired goals become achievable relatively quickly.

A free 30-minute, no-obligation meeting is my offer to any struggling parent

If you would like to have a no-obligation chat about issues you and your child are experiencing that are causing you/your child distress, please use the contact form below to get in touch.

I prefer to work with children face-to-face (often outdoors), rather than online. I can work with parents face-to-face or via Zoom.

I have a practise room in Raunds, East Northants and also access to a 20-acre woodland near Sudborough (between Thrapston and Corby).